Friday and Saturday didn't go well.  Knuckled under to temptation while out with friends.

     Today, though, I went straight to the gym.  I didn't really feel anything, no dread or excitement.  Just "lets go and take care of this."  I did better than I thought I would after such a long lay-off.  Minimal cardio on the stationary went well, panting but no gasping.  Then I did a scaled down version of my old lower body weight routine, about 2/3 the amount of reps and of course my weights were smaller.  But I did well.  Even worked in a set of squats, which I had to work up to the ability before without my knees buckling.  The only thing:  An hour and fourty-five minutes by the time I finished stretches.  Nevertheless, I feel proud about getting it done, that it went so smoothly, that I'm not starting all over from the begining and that I did it all!  (*Squeal*!)

     Next step, eating.  So far, so good today.  But the first half of the day is rarely my problem.  At least my experience at the health club left me feeling enthusiatic. 

     Even though I didn't tremendously overeat for the holiday yesterday, I still consumed enough to have wrecked my weight!  168 pounds today, terrible.  Worse than when I started this blog!  It is like erasing the years of hard work to lose it.  Wish I could erase the last two years of gaining it all back!  Honestly it is just hard to get back the same motivation and resignation that drove me before.  Gonna have to think of something.  The other day while lying in bed trying to go to sleep, I felt my heart suddenly beat extra hard for a couple of cycles, THUMP, THUMP!  I hardly need extra weight and inactivity to aggravate my afib.  Yet still, I find it hard to get back on plan.  The next morning I told myself, it is time to start eating low-fat once again and get this weight off!  Yet a few hours later, I bought some pizza for lunch.  Told myself it was the last time, I'll start over again tomorrow. 

     I've been "gonna start again tomorrow" for over two freakin years now!  In fact, right now, I'm still thinking about that pizza!!  Right now, I still don't want to pass up the chance to eat some more of my favorite foods.  I'm still thinking, I'll just start over tommorrow, one more day won't hurt.  That is what I would much rather do.  But I am pushing myself today, making the effort to turn away, forcing myself to put that desire to the back of my mind.  I am trying something new, trying not to think into the future to a goal or a prize, trying to think one day at a time, as the 12-steppers say.   

     It is not a very happy day.

     This morning I say, I will start dieting again Monday.  But I also say, after stopping at a few favorite places today!  I look awful.  My upper arms are puffy and I have a roll of fat that sits above the waist of my pants.  I have to be careful what shirts I wear, I am busting out of so many of them.  My exercise program is wasting away from neglect.  I get little aches and pains that I am sure wouldn't bother me otherwise.  Yet even with this, I am still finding it hard to get motivated.  Dang it, still not after it!  Man, this is hard!  Hard just to get started.  I lucked out with the doctor.  She seemed busy and unwilling to do any extra probing.  Hustled out of the office right after my exam and a few questions about other health matters.  She remarked I weighed about where I was the last time and so we should do a cholestoral check.  But the blood work was good.  Except for my weird heart arrythmia, my health is still good. 

     When I started dieting in January, 2004, I weighed 201.  Even then I was not enthusiastic.  I hate restricting myself.  It feels so rigid, unyeilding and unreal.  But for some reason, I was finally able to stick with it.  I am trying to recall the exact emotions that finally pushed me to live a lifestyle I really didn't desire.  Mainly, I remember resignation to the fact that I couldn't freely eat and be inactive.  Now I am back to internally battling that concept.  I know, of course, that I can't go on like this and reach or maintain my desired weight.  But I am resisting any...what?  Limitaions on doing what I want to do?  My desires?  Right now, I am remembering how much I resented having to throw so much of my time into food preparation instead of just grabbing something ready to eat from the store or a drive-thru.  Many days I was unhappy that I had to spend time exercising instead of doing something else that I wouldn't have time for later. 

     So it has been difficult to get started again doing what I need to do.  I don't want to develope diabetes and I don't want to spend my retirement in a mobility scooter, yet right now I don't want to bother with exercise or eating right!!!  Damn, why can't life be a little easier!  I hate it when something is so hard.  Sometimes, when you work hard, you have something to show for it at the end.  But a lot of the time, you just end up with a forever job that you can never let up on.  Big deal if you lose a lot of weight.  Your diet is Never Over!  It is as if you never really accomplish anything because the next day you have to do it all over again, a sisyphian task.

     Still 165.  And I've got a doctor's appointment coming up.  Lecture time!  Or really just that disappointed expression and questions of "why aren't you doing anything about this?  You were doing so well!"   What can I say?  It is all just a pile of reasons for me, but worthless excuses to others.  It is hard to explain, but motivation is lacking...Lost enthusiasm for the cause.  You cannot tell your doctor, "Well, I just wasn't pretty enough and living on a diet and having to exercise every morning is a miserable way to get through each day, so I thought, what-the-hell, I'll forget about it for a few days, and then I had trouble going back to the regimented but healthy way of life..."  Yeah, that'll really tell em.  Uh huh.  Sure. 

     Sometimes I was of the attitude that this was the last hurrah for a while so I felt as if I was diving into feasting, head first!  During the last two days, I did better.  It isn't enough to make up for the last few weeks of outright grazing and junk food.  But hopefully, I will feel like sticking with it.  My all time biggest problem, even when doing my best on the diet, was having favorite foods stashed in the apartment.  This is an extra, real-problem since I moved back in with my Mom.  I cannot control what is brought here or kept aroung the house.  She and my niece keep a supply of cookies, chips and pop.  They are always game for ordering out.  Thank goodness I'm still working late these days or I would come home to a resolution-melting question of "What kind of pizza do you want us to order for you?"

     I know, I know.  It is all for health.  And that occasional sense of accomplishment. 

       I'll bet you are sick of reading these continual swings between self-denial and self-indulgence, promises of reform and confessions of broken pledges, enthusiastic starts and failed finales.  Well, here we go again. 

    165.  I'm frozen up in lack of time and lack of enthusiasm and discipline.  As I watch the Biggest Loser for a new season ,I think over what I am doing now and what I did in the past.  Probably the biggest reason I am having trouble getting back to the healthy lifestyle is the unhappiness of it all.  Right now, I can't seem to throw myself into the same fight of denying myself the foods I crave and the avoidance of things I don't want to really do:  exercise and lengthy food preparations.  *Sigh*

     What is it all for in the end, I often wonder?  Health, of course.  Must avoid mobility scooter.  And I'm so close to menopause, I should be going low-fat, low-diary to prevent the fibroids that seem to run in my family.  I think that is why it is so hard, too.  It isn't much incentive when you aren't faced with a health crisis, every minute of the waking day, while you have to face down and prohibit your food cravings and desire to do other things instead of exercise every day, minute by minute.

     162.  Slow going.  I'm still eating some junk food.  It has been a mix of some healthy stuff and some quick junk like a sandwich from the machines and some chips at work while starting the day with bran cerial, skim milk, vegetarian sausage (low fat!) and an orange.  I'm out of time the last two weeks.  We've had 6 day work weeks and I got a promotion.  During my training, I had to stay late a lot, leaving little time for preparing the stuff I need to be eating.  It actually leaves little time for EATING as well.  The guy training me usually comes in 2 hours later than I do.  He is used to getting to work by 4 and then just run, run, run until he stops for dinner at 10.  It is probably the only reason the junk food hasn't stalled my weight loss.  I had to skip some meals.  I haven't had the ability to stop and eat much of it!  This week should be better.  I'll be on my own at work and can get back to my own schedule of breaks.  And I won't have to stay as late so I'll have time to cook.

     Of course, tomorrow is the State Fair, definitely taking a Free Day for a cinnamon roll from Freddy's!  The trend these last few years has been to introduce weirder and weirder food combinations, usually batter-coated and deep fried.  Deep fried candy bars, twinkies, macaroni and cheese and broccoli casserole.  I heard Garrison Keeler say this year it is deep-fried bacon!  I think I could stick to my diet if offered that!

     163.  Two pounds lost.  Pretty good for me.  This week it is still so hard to stick with it.  The little fat cells are winning.  I just don't seem to have the same amount of fight and resistance as I did just a few years ago.  The worst time for me is right after work.  Driving home, I always want to stop for something.  And if I have to go to the store to pick up a few things, I end up buying something that really isn't on my diet.  I don't want to wait until Sundays for any exceptions.  I'm more prone to just blowing off my goals with vague resolutions to start up again tomorrow.  I don't want to put up with the disappointment and dismay of saying "no" to myself.  I do feel a bit more even keel moods except when my indulgences involve sugar.  But I don't feel as well physically.  I keep saying I've got to get back on/keep on the plan that has worked for me better than any other.  But I don't feel as enthusiastic about it.  Two years ago, when I was within about 5 pounds of my final goal weight, I was not real happy about the way I ended up looking.  I mean sure it was better than being chubby, bulgy and fleshy, but my face didn't look like I had always believed it would look when I finally got thin.  And I didn't recieve the attention from the opposite sex I had expected.  So now the incentive isn't quite as strong, the expected rewards at the end of the road are not as compelling.  I know I am supposed to be thinking of my health and quality of life.  I do. But when your health isn't bad and you are still able to work on your feet you tend to take it for granted.  I'm trying to keep the worms in mind.  I still don't want to end up in a mobility scooter.  Of course whenever I think about that, I come face to face with another crumbling illusion:  early retirement.  My finances are nowhere near, NoWhere Near, where they need to be to even think about retirement at normal age, much less an early one.  Which makes me self pitying and disappointed,,,and hungry for chocolate!!

     Today, usually Free Day, I'm taking a couple of small indulgences only.  Otherwise: diet food.  This week, I'm adding an extra day on the stationary and starting back-up my upper body weight routine and maybe abs.  You know, when I'm driving home and thinking about dinner, I'm bored with my usual meals.  So I believe I must get my cookbooks out and get creative.  Maybe that will help prevent me from dwelling on stopping for something more exciting on the way home.   

     Wish me luck, again.  Are you guys tired of this fight?  I know I am.  Why does life have to be so hard?  You struggle just to keep your head above water and you never get that to island respite no matter how hard you swim.  I fought like hell to lose all that weight a few years ago and I wasn't even pretty when I got thin!  I still couldn't wear just whatever clothes I wanted, still didn't make the impression on others I wanted, still had to watch what I ate.  Lived like some kind of health nut freak, being careful what I bought, where I went, who I hung out with, how I scheduled myself, what I took with me when I went anywhere.  I was willing to do it back then, still thinking NIRVANA waited at the end.  Now that I've been there, I'm not nearly as driven.

     No posting due to a move.  My apartment decided to raise my rent nearly 15 %.   During the last year gas went up 25%, food went up 10-20% and our local utility went up 20% for fuel costs then asked for another 20% hike to cover ice storm damages.  Well, damn!  There is only so much overtime I can physically work...when it is available.  So I turned in my notice.

     I spent the entire month of July nailing down a storage unit, sorting, packing and driving loads over to the unit or to Mom's. The last five days I spent moving the large furniture, scraping up those bits and pieces lying about that don't seem to be categorized with anything else and cleaning.  I was busy up until the very last night.  Didn't even have time to sentimentalize about last 7 years.  I'm going to miss living on my own.

     But my diet plan hit the skids.  I regained nearly all the weight I had lost.  I was back up to 165.  I was so busy, I had no time to prep meals or cook.  I ended up neglecting exercise, missing sleep and grabbing quick stuff from stores or drive-thrus.  My mom and neice keep a lot of junk around the house and bake twice a week!  We suddenly had MEGA-overtime at work.  I worked every day this month and next month will be the same.  I was a bit blue and felt indulgent in what few moments I had and would grab my old favorites, ice cream, pizza, potato chips and donuts.  Every morning I would swear that I would start over but often, later give in and say, "I'm too tired to cook, I think I'll grab a pizza," or "I don't feel like putting up a fight with this craving, I'm going to get those little chocolate donuts."  So I hovered around 165 all month.

     Finally, I watched a news report rerun about longevity studies.  They said that every organism or animal they studied lived longer when their calories were considerably reduced.  It seemed to kick up their metabolism or survival mode or longevity genes or something.  I remember being struck by the videos of a certain worm studied this way.  The comparison between the worms who were fed plenty to the calorie deprived worms was remarkable.  The old worm who had not eaten as much was still in good form and lively, while the old worm who had eaten well was breaking down, visably decaying, slow and lumbering in its movements. I thought how when I am staying on my Body For Life program, I live on reduced calories all week except Sundays.  Would it work the same if you did it 6 out of 7 days?  I'm not just thinking about the possibility of living longer but of the quality of life as I get older.  I will be 50 soon and it doesn't look like early retirement is in the picture.  I certainly want my 'golden years' to be worthwhile unlike misspent youth!! 

     So I got back on plan about 10 days ago.  Staying on it pretty good.  A large piece of chocolate cake and a couple of ounces of potato chips made their way into the picture, though.  And I am back on the stationary bike.  I did start that nearly a month ago but it took me all this time at nearly three days a week to work my way up from a measly 7 minutes riding to 19.  Next week-bump up to at least 20 and start going every other day.  I just try to keep thinking about those worms!  What a motivation technique!?!  How are all of you?  

     Oh, man.  Not a good week.  I met up with quite a bit of family and friends all during last weekend and ended up eating out a lot.  I didn't even put an effort toward staying on my diet.  Then I found some really nice, fresh blueberries and decided to bake a special pie with them.  Of course I thought I would just have one slice every other day or so until it was gone.  But it "disappeared" in three days!  And my wrist is sprained so I took Advil all week.  All together, a blueberry pie, Advil and a weekend of eating out fatty, sweet and salty foods has me weighing in at about 3 pounds heavier! 

     155.5/34.  The lower body fat number gives me hope.  Usually it means water retention.  Still, probably doesn't account for all of it.  Tsk, tsk.

     One good thing.  I made it to the gym for three days of cardio on the stationary bikes.  The first day I was huffing and my legs were burning after just two minutes!  I stayed on for 11 including cooling down.  But I thought, "Oh my god, I've lost everything!  My muscles will have to start all over."  But the second trip, I stayed at it with no problems, added a minute, even.  I didn't get winded and while watching my pulse noticed I my heart rate was much better, not so high and it cooled down quickly.  (I'm still watching my hamstrings and didn't want to overstress them.)