Over the holidays regained even more weight.  Drat it, I'm heavier now then when I even started this blog.  I now have the last 37 pounds to go.  Grumble, grumble.  I really haven't been trying.  (Duh, you say?)  Everyday seems like I say, "I'll start tomorrow, but today I'm going to eat these cookies.  In fact, maybe the whole box while I'm at it." 

     NO MORE.  This morning, I am starting all over, my eating plan for the rest of my life.  My hamstrings are finally well enough that if I am careful and don't push them too hard, I can start exercising them again.  Along with everything else.  I haven't done anything except the walking I have to do at work anyway.  Which miraculously has been enough to keep my blood pressure normal. 

     Yes, I really don't want to do it.  It is push time.  Push, self, push!  Get in there and eat that measured serving of fiber cerial.  Forget all about the bakery...I don't care if you don't want to...Because I said so!  

     No, I don't want to continue the way I have been either.  I'm getting tired of a lot of the food I eat, anyway.  But I am especially tired of the way I feel.  Puffy, having to turn sideways again to go through some spaces, busting out of my size 14's, starting to lack energy, going through blue spells more and more from too much sugar, and I am sure from the imbalance of it all. 

     Bleah!  

     Oh, not much different to tell.  Still on vacation from dieting.  Yet another attitude problem to tackle:  Thinking I can just take off from my diet.  It must become a way of life.  I did it for a while.  Years ago, when I started this blog I was sticking with it, even when taking trips or holiday time off of work.  A diet can't be temporary.  repeat to self:  A diet is a way of life, not a temporary fix!

     On a happier note, one of the ladies in our scootering club is still finding rides we can do.  Five of us did a charity ride of 110 miles through a few small towns (like a poker run only drawing colored marbles then being scored by the color.)  It was posted on motorcycle sites but invited any vehicles.  Most of the particpants were leather-clad, bandana wearing guys on choppers and big motorcycles who just couldn't seem to get over the fact that we kept showing up on those colorful little scooters at all the stops! 

     Been so busy with the scooter club.  Actually active on the weekends.  Took two road trips.  Last weekend, a few of us went out of town on our scooters for a rally.  We road 100 miles on an old state highway and stayed over two nights/three days.  I was nerveous about going that far, for fear of a possible breakdown.  But one of the women in my club let a guy use her car and trailer to transport his scooter down, and he followed us.  That way we still had room on the trailer, too, if one of us broke down.  Mostly, it was really fun and a great getaway.  When you are traveling or staying somewhere that isn't home, do you find yourself so caught up in the moments that home and work feel like they were left behind ages ago?  You know, your usual routines don't work and everything is in different places so you are more conscious of every moments activities.  Anyway, now I am back.  The days are cooling off fast and the "season" is coming to a close.  The only riding activity people talk about until spring is one of the toy runs.

     Unfortunately, I have been careless in my eating, and I haven't lost anymore weight or eaten right.  It isn't just because I was busy.  I just sort of went on vacation there, too.  My motivation just isn't what it once was.  Time to knuckle down and get back in the groove for real.  I need to pursue a low fat way of eating, anyway.  I think it is supposed to help prevent fibroids.  And I am at that age.  When winter starts looming on the horizon, I feel like settling into everyday life, anyway.  May as well settle into healthy habits, eh?

     I took a few days off work around the holiday, as I was reaching burn-out stage.  Not good for my weight.  I ate out with friends too much and I lose a lot of activity when I don't work.  (My job is very physical.)  So my weight was back up a couple of pounds, though it has slipped back down to 157.5 this week.  Even though I stayed busy, got some things accomplished, saw some friends, rode the scooter and got a brand new, exciting camara, I felt increasingly blue.  I worry about my retirement years.  How am I going to keep this weight off and avoid depression without my run-your-ass-off job which I don't even love?  Actually, I read back over some old posts and decided what I really need to do is watch the sugar I eat.  I've been quite a bit more lax than when I first started this blog.  Back then, I strictly avoided it except for Sundays.  Although after many months this phenomena eased off, at first I could really tell the sugar affected me cause I had blues on Mondays, sometimes even into Tuesdays.  Is chocolate layer cake really worth it?  Yes?  No?  I hate these kinds of questions?!? 

     Of course, there is another reason.  Our company surprised me this year.  We didn't expect OT due to the economy.  Yet, our heavy season is here as usual and we are scheduled for extra-day overtime.  In fact more overtime than usual.  I have exactly three days off the rest of this month, IF I'm lucky and my department keeps up!  

     Not much money, no place to go, I thought I would catch up on a variety of things during my vacation that I had been meaning to do for some time now.  My list:  shop for a digital camara, refinish a table, reorganize and feng shui my room, sort through my stashed pile of bills, receipts, articles, magazines and statements, clean Carmine's aquarium (my goldfish), try on some old clothes pulled from storage, get the scooter serviced, find a clothesline, string it and wash my "line-dry only" sofa covers, sew some buttons on a coat, look for a ventilated pair of motorcycle gloves, clean up the phone numbers and photos stored on my phone, contact a friend about ordering a T-shirt for our club, register for the Race For The Cure (our team will be doing the UNtimed one), transplant some houseplants, take my sewing machine in for repair, clean out the car and take a huge pile of newspapers, cans, jars, batteries and magazines to the recycle center.  *Whew*  I got a lot of it done!!  Still have to take in the sewing machine, still working on cleaning and organizing the "family" and "health" baguas of my room, got one more plant to transplant, got the clothesline, now I have to wait out the rain, and I never got close to refinishing the table.  Eh.  Paltry stuff compared to Linda's Mission 100.  Mine is mostly the sum of procrastination!!  

     Not doing good.  Eating too much to-go food again.  I got busy and slipped right back into the habit.  And it is higher on the calories and fat than what you could fix at home.  So I have stayed just the same, 157.5.  But I am still exercising.  Good.  Going up on weights.  My hamstrings are still achey and my hips get sore and stiff.  But they are keeping up with the exercise.  Now I need to add in some extra cardio.  I am still doing the arm rows with resistance bands for cardio, but I intend to add in some stationary cycling again.  I have a friend who rides Free Wheel Oklahoma every year.  I would like to be able to do that someday.  It is hard enough just building up to riding at the dang gym for 30 minutes, three times a week!

     Happily, though, I have stayed busy with a variety of activities this summer.  Riding with the scooter people, lunching with a few long lost friends and attending a few art exhibits. 

     157.5  I had a few days last week where I ate junk.  But not a lot.  Actually I lost my half pound!  Probably keeping up with the exercise helped.  Getting back on the plan, again.  Already feeling better.  Soreness went away, and I was able to work-out as scheduled.  I sleep better this week.  I didn't get in any more trouble about the unreported overtime.  I fessed up to my boss in a lighthearted-joking kind of way and he brushed it off.  The run schedule at work eased up a bit.  Putting off investigating the scooter noise until oil change time next month.  I decided not to take the remark at the scooter club seriously (unless it continues to occur). 

     Meanwhile I am working on an idea of my own for a scooter outing.  Our president discussed assigning a month to each of us or to a pair of us next year to come up with an activity.  While reading some other sites on the internet I found one of a photographic scavenger hunt by the Pharoahs Scooter Society of Alburquerque.  As I perused the snapshots of ethnic or quirky or historical sites, I kept thinking of weird and wonderful places right here.  I started scribbling up a list and I have enough places to offer a similar contest for the next four years!

     Not a great week.  A couple of days I got lazy, paid no attention to eating and now I am stuck.  Still 158 pounds.  I am thinking I regained a for-real pound during my last fall off the wagon.  I stumbled and fell down at work, straining my left forearm, not serious, thank goodness.  Everything has been hustle-hustle busy at work, and I can't get anything done.  My boss will call me asking if I have such and such information and I am a step behind everytime.  "Let me get back to you," I lamely answer, running to find out, leaving the current mission half completed, knowing I'll get called about that and have no answer.  I got in trouble for staying over a few nights and not writing it down.  Now I am filled with the dread of facing my other boss with an explanation and hearing a lecture.  Worse, seeing that expression of disappointment on his face.  I went to the scooter club meeting today and was halfway chided for being the quiet type that never volunteered for anything.  This is only my second meeting, for crying out loud!  Another subtle, funny noise from the scooter which needs investigationg.  The Labor Day trip to Chicago was canceled.  Sleeping poorly.  My muscles are extra sore from the last workout.  I"ll have to delay the next session until they heal. 

     I hope this is the end of whatever is going on.  It is time for a vacation.  But I can't take off right now because of changes in the workplace now that I am trying to build a "career" and, of course, (do I even need to say it?) I have no money.  Bleah, Bleah, Bleah!   

     Meanwhile I am investigating Feng Shui for my room.  I'm afraid to look at my astrological chart!!   

     Have you ever eaten something just because you had the opportunity to get it?  The other day a woman was taking a tray of cookies into the offices for a meeting and out of the blue, asked me if I wanted one.  Of course!  Was I thinking about cookies or on my way to buy some from the vending machines?  No.  And did you ever eat something just because you visited a place where certain foods are typically made or sold.  I can't go by Whole Foods without trying some different trail mix.  Or visit a certain gift shoppe that also sells obscure varieties of pop without trying a new rootbeer.  Whenever I need to pick up something from the scooter store, I have a hard time bypassing Merrit's bakery nearby even though I started the day without thinking about pastries or cakes!  Or have you ever suddenly wanted to eat something when you watched someone else eat it?  The other night my mother sat down and made an ice cream sundae in front of me and suddenly, I just really wanted one when I had not even thought about ice cream before hand, even when she mentioned it.  I remember when I first started dieting years ago, it was hard to just drive down the boulevards without seeing restaurants and bill boards and not think about pulling over for that food.  I am struggling to develope and continue the habit of conscious eating:  Staying aware of what and how-much and even why I am eating or wanting something, trying to avoid some trigger unrelated to being hungry or having a craving.  It's tough, some days worse than others.  Really makes you think about advertising.     

     158 pounds.  Nearly took off all the recent regain.  I ate better this week.  It was not too bad of a struggle to get back in control of eating.  Not like I expected.  I didn't really miss the pastries, ice cream and fast food that I had indulged during the two weeks previous.  Whew!  I feared I would be filled with longings and resentment.  Maybe I am getting used to this.  Yeah, well, you would think I would have no problems sticking with it, then, no?

     It seems, looking back, that I get a good start, all excited, staying strict on the plan.  Then comes a period of boredom, resentment, still staying with it but wistful and frustrated.  Then a leveling out.  It is just another day.  Then a period of creeping back into old habits of eating and quickly into full-blown, off-diet, overeating and unhealthy food.  Then half-hearted attempts to get back on the wagon for a couple of weeks, finally falling back into the new adopted patterns of healthier food preparation and eating.  I'm on the latter stage now.  Feeling ok about getting back on diet with a few minimal indulgences.  I'm trying to get back into the state of just postponing eating something that is off-plan. 

     Bah!  My good work and will power came to a crashing halt.  Not long after July 4th weekend, I started backsliding and picking up junk food until I started eating again.  This week has been terrible.  I've run myself out of time quite a bit, then didn't pack something proper for work and ended up buying fast food or vending machine snacks.  My weight is back up to 160.  I saw pictures of myself during the scooter rally and my neck looks bad.  Still need to get rid of this double chin.  Definitely need to still lose the rest of this weight.  Not to mention my ass.  It looks as if that is where most of the excess weight is settling.  Starting to have one of those snail-butt figures, Yick!

     You know what the worst part of it is?  I pick something up that I haven't had for a while, like a chocolate pastry, and it ends up not tasting quite as good as I remember.   So there it is, 400-500 calories of total waste, followed later by 900 calories worth of pizza that quickly seems ho-hum after the first bite or two.  I probably should throw the rest out but I mindlessly (or in disbelief, "...no, I remember this was good!") polish it off. 

     I'm blaming the fat cells.  They are ready to eat!  Done without too long and driven to getting back their plumpness.  Just lay out a plate of butter, we're ready!

     Really got to get hold of myself.

     At least I kept up with exercising.  I actually increased my weights during upper body lifts and I am doing six sets of squats now.  Mylegs and hips still act scary, what with pains and stiffness the next day or two.  But overall, feeling a lot better.  I think my hips are just going to come along slower than before.  But I think I may be about ready to start using the machines at the gym again!